How to reframe failure as fuel for growth

In “the recession Australia had to have”, as our then Treasurer Paul Keating stated in 1990, I was a cofounder of a small, emerging manufacturing business in Sydney, NSW.

We started the business in mid-1988, went through the usual start-up growing pains, won a place on a NSW government tender, and things were tight, but profitable.

We could see the road ahead would be tough, so we were highly diligent with expenditure decisions. Neither of us took a wage, we employed a manager, and continued to support the business with occasional financial purchases and our unpaid time.

Fast forward 3 years and interest rates had risen to around 14% on home mortgages, 18% on business loans and due to our debt-to-equity ratio, we were paying a whopping 23% interest on our now sizeable overdraft.

This was the beginning of the end, as our cash flow spiralled under increasing interest rates and crushing debt, and in late 1991, the bank turned up at our factory, padlocked the doors, seized our assets, and notified us that our homes (which we both owned outright and had put forward as business loan security), would be sold at auction.

A double whammy

That was the beginning of the end of my 17-year relationship with my high-school sweetheart, as, understandably, she was devastated and unable to live in our home, knowing it would be auctioned from under us in a fire sale, and we would have to find somewhere to live.

Thankfully, we didn’t have children. She chose an inner-city suburban terrace and out of guilt and shame, I gave her almost everything we had. For almost a year, I remained in the house, waiting for the auction and settlement date, with a fridge, 3 saucepans and a mattress on the floor. To say it was a tough time would be a massive understatement!

It was also the time that the weight of such impending failure deeply affected my mental health, with suicide ideation a regular companion. Thankfully, in mid-1991, I’d discovered experiential psychotherapy, and it wasn’t lost on me that there I was back in 1987, on top of the world, debt-free, owning my home before I was 30, only to lose everything that society had told was ‘important’: my marriage, my home, my savings and almost my life. 

Outward bound

On the long weekend in October 1992, I left the keys to the house on the breakfast counter I’d built with my own two hands, had put minimal stuff in storage, and walked out with a single suitcase, headed to the international airport, and flew to Kuala Lumpur for a 3-week contract that thankfully stretched to 9 months.

This provided me the time, money and distance from my usual surroundings, to delve deeply into me, and during my initial foray into personal development, I’d come to realise that I knew nothing about who I was or how I ‘ticked’. I didn’t know it at the time, but life had conspired with me to strip me bare, to look in the mirror (as it were), and do a brutal stocktake of who I thought I was, compared to who I’d turned out to be. 

What I initially discovered was an unnerving level of incongruity, driven by very low self-worth ‘inherited’ from my father, and I knew at my core that wasn’t who I wanted to be.

During the next decade, I invested further in my personal development, uncovered all manner of unhelpful and dysfunctional patterns, behaviours and beliefs, did what’s known as ‘deep shadow work’, travelled extensively and worked in various SE Asian countries for long stints.

I emerged as a much more centred and functional man because I had been able to reframe what was initially perceived as personal catastrophic failure, into a completely different trajectory.

Sharing heals

I realised several years ago, while sharing this story with a group, how much I’d grown from it (as tough as it was), and in my seeking support and digging deep, I’d been able to reframe what could have been an even more catastrophic outcome, into a pivotal time in my life, a ‘sliding door’ moment, that had I not endured it, I wouldn’t be doing what I am today.

Here are some ‘maxims’ that I’ve learned along the way, that have served me well:

• Life is unbiased feedback
• The universe only ever conspires with me
• If life isn’t going well, look inside
• It’s not what we’re looking at, it’s where we’re looking from
• It’s called a mistake for a reason – a mis-take – and sometimes we get to try again
• Failure is always a learning opportunity
• Regret is useless, so may as well learn from mistakes and turn them into a positive realisation
• No one deliberately sets out to make a mistake
• We only get the benefit of hindsight after the event
• The quality of our intimate relationships is a direct mirror of the relationship we have with ourselves
• We can’t give what we don’t have, and that includes self-worth, self-esteem, boundaries and self-respect
• If you have children, fill your cup first because you can’t pour from an empty one
• Fail forward … fast!

It’s not easy to navigate overwhelm, ride with failure and keep an even keel, yet learning to see from a different and broader perspective can completely change the frame through which we look.

What’s known as ‘inner work’ opens up myriad options, deepens our connection with ‘self’ and allows us to stand like a lighthouse when the storms of business arrive, because arrive they will.

What event in your life can you reflect on, reframe, and see that out of it, you grew as a person?

• John Broadbent, author of Man Unplugged, is a specialist coach, mentor, retreat creator, and facilitator in men’s personal development.